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Shark attack information.

Lake Macquarie...
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Shark attack information.

Thinking of swimming in areas known to be frequented by sharks? Read this information first. It might just help, but I doubt it.

1. Don’t swim in the sea.

More than 99% of all shark attacks happen in large water masses known as oceans. The way to establish if you’re in an ocean is to taste the water. It should taste salty.

2. Swim with overweight people.

Always make sure there are overweight people already in the water before you enter. Chances are that you will be able to swim faster than them and save yourself.

3. Don’t enter the water without a knife.

Use it to stab the nearest swimmer when you see a shark. As soon a he/she bleeds profusely, swim as fast as you can to the shore and claim that you tried your best to save him/her. You just might end up getting an award for bravery.

4. Listen intently for music.

All sharks are accompanied by a “theme song”. If you hear the following, swim for your life: da..dam, da...dam, da...dam. If it sounds like this: dadam, dadam, dadam, forget it. You’re already a goner.

5. Don’t panic.

Stay calm if a shark bites you. It’s all over, you’re gone and it doesn’t help to try and survive. The people on the shore will appreciate it, as they don’t want to hear all your mad yelling and screaming - it’s not nice. Please think of the children.

Toms River, New...
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for Kapolei
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1. Re: Shark attack information.

LOL...It should be titled the common sense approach to shark attacks.

Menomonie, Wisconsin
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2. Re: Shark attack information.

I know your post was meant to be funny, but ......

2. Swim with overweight people.

Always make sure there are overweight people already in the water before you enter. Chances are that you will be able to swim faster than them and save yourself.

Thanks for being offensive to many people.

Maui
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for Ka'anapali, Haleakala National Park, Maui
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3. Re: Shark attack information.

Or swim with a skinny person, who attracts the shark's attention as he/she darts away..........and becomes the pupu for the fastest shark?

Or, swim with a large furry dog........the sharks don't like hairballs?

Wear a Harley T-Shirt and scare them away with that sight?

Swim with me cause I'm slower than I was in my youthful days??

Edited: 16 May 2010, 21:34
Hana, Hawaii
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4. Re: Shark attack information.

ROTLMSO....Harley....

Additionally:

1) Always wear bright colored swimwear as it actually repels sharks.

2) Tell them you are a Hawaii DE and they will leave you alone too (except for amberloo....just kidding buddy!)

3) Sharks can easily be eliminated from a beach area, provided several bikers with Harley D's are on the beach. It works like this. The bikers crank up the HD's, get the engines to make that signature sound we all know....for oh about 10 minutes or so!

And the next result: No more sharks and no more beach goes. LOL

:)

Edited: 16 May 2010, 22:12
Maui
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for Ka'anapali, Haleakala National Park, Maui
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5. Re: Shark attack information.

Now, now, Caddy--

"2) Tell them you are a Hawaii DE and they will leave you alone too">>>>>>>>>>>>>>

are you harking back to the old joke about lawyers & sharks??!! We're not that darn evil!

Hana, Hawaii
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6. Re: Shark attack information.

Absolutely not SW. It's just a little know DE perk, since you all get paid so well. Actually, I respect the Maui DEs more than I can express with words. Well that is not true. LOL. Seriously you guys do a great job helping people.

The TA DE's and a few "special people" (none which I can state here...eye's rolling upward) are not appreciated enough by TA.

It's the rest of us and the sharks that school here and have a feast! LOL : 0

Edited: 16 May 2010, 22:30
Chicagoland
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7. Re: Shark attack information.

Now why did I click on this topic, KNOWING it was going to be a joke?

Let's amend #2 to say: Swim with people who have dined. Sharks like their entrees stuffed with something -- like hula pie.

Hana, Hawaii
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8. Re: Shark attack information.

And you thought I was the only troublemaker ChiSue? There's more than one shark out the there. LOL

Lake Macquarie...
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9. Re: Shark attack information.

and most still have a sense of humour. I'm about 250lbs. I'm not overweight, I'm fat. C'mon, you can say it. It doesn't offend me, because I've ben fat all my life. I didn't just catch fat disease recently.

My youngest son had a TTH left leg amputation at 10mo and is now 23. Sure, he'd like another leg, but it won't happen (he's reading this now). He wears Australian brand shorts called "Shark Attack". They have one side dyed blood-red and are cut out in a zig-zag fashion. He also gets a laugh out of disabled jokes.

Sorry, ajrwdwgirl. If you ARE overweight, you don't offend me and you don't offend most people. Smile and enjoy life. Sure there are some that are offended by overweight people. So what? Can't keep everyone happy.

All humour is created to the disadvantage of somebody or something. I'm surprised that nobody pointed out the obvious offence to shark attack victims. I've also been attacked by an 8ft shark 28 years ago. Lucky for me, he only had a taste for my swim fin. Unlucky for him, I had a speargun and he earned me $35 at the local fish shop (I was getting $50/week at work).

By the way, gauging from the attack statistics, 9 out of 10 Australian crocodiles prefer women. Hey, now I've offended 50% of the population!

Hana, Hawaii
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10. Re: Shark attack information.

Harleynutt, I didn't find your comments offensive at all. But that's not much coming from me. LOL

An Aussie Crock's favorite mantra......

Aussie women: "The Other White Meat". :)