A car (or a lot of Valium) is essential.
The hotel only functions adequately as a base from which to visit other places.
If you were already staying somewhere else (and you should be) there are no circumstances imaginable under which you would visit this location other than perhaps to have your car repaired after turning it over having misjudged the daftest roundabout on the planet which is just up the road.
Parchal is a village that has a couple of amenities not encountered everywhere, namely a back-street knocking shop and a level-crossing at which the occupants of recently halted cars leap out to collect snails which they......well actually I've no idea what they're going to do with/to them and would prefer to give it no further consideration.
The area's sole redeeming feature apart from the views over the river (day or night) and watching newly fledged storks attempting their first few take-offs and landings, is the Monka (no, me neither) restaurant which is about 150 yards away and is operated by what can only be Jack Pallance or Steve McQueen's daughter assisted by Aretha Franklin's sister
.
If you believe yourself to be passably cool (as I did), prepare youself for a jolt of reality as you are languidly assessed and forensically categorised by icy eyes under lowered lids.
She makes the clipboard-nazis at Bouji's and Mahiki seem like cheerleaders.
Initially we went in out of desperation (we were hungry and it was the only place open) but we found ourselves in there three times out of a seven night stay.
I'm not entirely certain why we ate and drank exactly the same thing on each occasion but cannot rule out the possibility that it was because that was what they felt like giving us.
Hypnotism's another strong contender
Apart from a bit of bemused nodding, I don't actually recall having any meaningful input but, if anything, it seemed to add to the enjoyment.
Theirs certainly.
The hotel itself could easily be quite good (although still in the wrong place) but it seems that the management lack your preferred combination of expertise, interest, training, drive, staff or finance to attend to the many irritating shortcomings and areas of neglect.
Several people pointed out that while he door out to the pool and restaurant was perfectly happy to let you out, it was considerably less inclined to re-admit you causing several spirited sprint and dive combos in order to prevent having to shuffle about pretending you wanted to hang about on the steps waiting for the next person to leave the building.
The pool is unheated, stained and of the "Infinity" type particularly if you define infinity as 20ft(ish) square.
The Verucca pre-pool contains nothing .
Hopefully this includes veruccas.
Other reviewers have commented on the absence of entertainment.
I find this quite puzzling as I was often in hysterics laughing at people trying to get in, watching the 7am irrigation cycle soak virtually every sunbed, attempting to determine whether the latest howl of anguish was caused by putting any part of your body in the pool or receiving a bill for two small beers and a small wine (12euros).
The best bit of entertainment was discovering "World without End" by Chris Mooney which, given that it was stuffed behind my lavatory, unfortunately wasn't available to everyone.
The previous reader had clearly been trying to shove it down the toilet where, to save time and trees, it should have been put before being printed.
If you are often under the impression that you're watching War and Peace when in fact it's the Roadrunner or Spongebob Squarepants, this is the book for you.
Our Junior Suite (226a) was little short of superb in most respects.
Comprising a large air-conditioned (virtually silent, very effective and operable independently of the smartkey) bedroom with queen-size bed, tv, free safe and more than ample wardrobes etc, a very large lounge/diner/kitchen and a bathroom of the Hugh Heffner school of design.
The balcony was enormous and on two sides providing a delightful view over the river and Portimao.
If you've got (or are) kids, don't go,
If you like an evening of refreshment and conviviality, don't go.
If you like to go for a bit of a stroll to see what's what, don't go.
If you're particularly happy with your own immediate company and would like a week (you'll be in the rubber-room eating crayons if you stay longer) of peace and quiet reflection you could do worse.
It's nearly good, but not quite nearly enough.
