If ever you wish to experience accommodation like this without paying £50 for the displeasure, I'd advise finding a crack head and giving him a tenner to stay on their couch: you'll probably wear up to find all your stuff's been nicked but at least there's a slim chance you'll have a fully functional television and you won't be covered in bed bug bites from forehead to toe.
The walls are stained as though an endless number of cockfights had taken place in the room, the television is linked to a button-less Freeview box, with no remote to be found, while all buttons on the untuned television had been removed, perhaps by someone trying to find something to ease the boredom and fend off the ensuing insanity. The windows were so thin it didn't even sound like there had been any installed while the door was so feeble, it might as well not have been meaning if world war 3 broke out there and then, I'd have as much hope as a large line of cocain at a supermodel party.
Also, a not-so-interesting fact about taps - and you can use this one for yourselves: the cold tap filters out lead so you can drink from this while the warm one doesn't. Therefore, a room with 2 taps, both of which run warm, is about as useless as attempting a marathon while giving Johnny Vegas a piggy bag and just as dangerous.
Now, the one redeeming point of this: Around an hour after arriving and draining myself of all fluids through anxiety tears, I found myself desperately scanning websites for an alternative place to stay, before finally coming to the realisation that I either had to pay the weekly wage of a premier footballer or sleep on the street, which brought me to the conclusion that yes, this does beat sleeping in the streets of London on a cold autumn night, albeit by only a fine margin.
The next morning, I felt the freedom of a newly released prisoner serving a life sentence for a crime he didn't commit - it could be argued that this, too, is an upside to this hotel, if we can even call it that. I'd call it a '[--]' but that's down to personal preference.
Over the next few nights, I am staying in a cheaper hotel than this, none of which are quite so awful as to induced nightmarish memories from previous lifetimes, and come with functioning televisions, wifi, taps etc
The only reason this has a rating over 1 out of 5 is that you have to leave a minimum rating of 1. And the only reason it'd even stay at 0 would be because you can't rate things with negative numbers.
If you do chose to stay here, then from one victim to another, I wish you all the very best: you're going to need it.
- Official Description (provided by the hotel):
- Old Georgian townhouse in Bloomsbury, homey, friendly atmosphere - Near the British Museum. ... more less
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- Also Known As:
- Lonsdale Hotel London