Alta Park is a 2 star hotel. Once you appreciate that fact, then you could easily learn to love it like we did. It's kind of like the smelly but nice kid at school - you love them, despite their downfall. the bad reviews have clearly been written by people with too many preconceptions, who reviewed it against their idea of what it should have been, rather than looking at it with an open mind for what it actually is - a basic hotel.
Ok, so back to basics, basic does not equate to bad. In no particular order here's what you need to know: staff are friendly & helpful (as long as you are nice to them and do not expect them to speak to you in English), for example we went out with them on the second night and they took us for the best kebab of the whole holiday! There are two pools, which are clean with plenty of sun loungers (owing to the fact that this seemed predominantly filled with Turkish guests who don't partake in the 'lie-in-the-sun-cooking-my-white-skin-forgetting-that-there-are-more-fun-things-to-do-than-be-a-human-hot dog' gig. Food is good - variations of salad, Cous cous, potato salad, pasta, kebab, eggs, breads & dips. If you want an English breakfast or roast dinner then you shouldn't be judging this restaurant, you should be judging yourself. The kebab shop/restaurant opposite is absolutely fantastic with nice staff too. All inclusive drinks are vodka, beer, gin, wine, juices, water & sodas...oh and raki, but thats a bit weak, so make sure you have a large one (*irony*). Not everything works in every room, but they will fix it or move you if you ask/ mime. Rooms have balcony, fridge, air con, hair dryer, mirrors, cabinet, drawers, wardrobe, bathroom with shower, toilet & sink. Again, if you want more than this then perhaps you shouldnt venture abroad, as you'll only have the trouble of re-wrapping yourself in cotton wool upon returning home. To clear up any concerns: there are no rats nor are there cats. Perhaps you hallucinate rats after too much raki?! I'm not sure. Also, there is free wi-fi, and all the toilet paper you can wipe your @ss with.
Nightlife advice: Bar street is a bit bass-in-your-face so head there once drunk. Outback bar is more chilled, with super hot bar guys, and if you venture to gumbet beach then go to Alora beach bar in the afternoon/evening (think Ibiza tunes, hammocks, beautiful people, cocktails, outstanding food and even impromptu foam parties!). We befriended millionaires there, who took us on their yacht and plied us with free champagne. That's not guaranteed, as frankly its unlikely that your face is up to the same standard as mine, but its possible, that's what I'm saying.
Go on a boat trip. Just do it. Eat ice cream, it's beautiful. If you're sick/hungover/sun burnt go to the pharmacy opposite the hotel where the pharmacist is helpful (albeit up her own @ss). she speaks English and gave me some medicine which may or may not have saved my life.
Basically if you've got alta park for cheap (£270 all inc 1 wk with flights) you'll be fine. If you've paid more than that then you probably go through life getting done over in this way, and you'll be used to it.
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