This place...where do I begin?!
Upon arrival you are greeted by tree roots representing a stairway to the beach. Charming? Yes. Risk of tripping and falling to your death? Likely. But not to worry! There's a pack of barking dogs to land on. Nothing more comforting for a sprained ankle than a bit of mange.
The staff seemed "laissez faire" about our arrival, or our presence during our stay. They seemed keen to rake the sand first thing in the morning, occasionally disturbing a maturing dog turd. A faecal zen garden! How lovely.
Now, to the room. Ever wondered what Tenko would have been like if Dame Barbara Cartland wrote it? Well, wonder no more! If you plan to take acid at the Full Moon Party, please don't look at the holographic pictures of parrots and tulips. I am planning therapy and haven't even had a drink. If you do glance at them, please rest on the bed of breeze blocks covered in sateen in a delightful shade of Austin Allegro brown. You may find our sweat stains when you stay, as changing sheets seems unnecessary to the staff. Feel free to use the carrier bag found down the side of the bed to suffocate yourselves. The previous guests escaped prior the urgency for suicide.
The bathroom has a rustic charm about it. The ants which hide under the seat and nibble on your cheeks are an invigorating way to wake up. Once suitably bitten, rinse off in the shower, which expels yellow water. If I wanted a golden shower, I'd have gone to a "specialist club" on the mainland...
All in all, dreadful. People moan about the posh resorts but they should come here for one night and then reassess things.
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