Where do I start?
Slow reception. Thought I was at the Four Seasons for a minute (ie it took a year to be served).
The Spa: hilarious. It consisted of a tiny whirlpool "spa" which - and I am not exaggerating - was over-crowded with only three people in it. And five measly chairs around the pool - each of which was taken up by a towel (was I in Germany??). Fancy leaving your towel on ground in pools of water, anyone? Black mould in the ladies' too. *sneeze
The room - dating back to 1066. The floorboards creaked so much, at some stage my wife and I thought the floor was going to collapse into the room below. She asked whether I'd been doing their DIY. Isnt she lovely.
The bathroom was nice, mind. Except the dunny took three minutes to refill, meaning any strategic mid-ablution flush held you up from getting on with your day (lest you return later to your room and find awaiting a nasty surprise).
Oh, did I mention my ipad was larger than the telly in the bedroom? Pretty bad, but to be fair Mrs Bags was my in-room entertainment for the evening, and by the time she got to the telly (five minutes after we arrived (including, for good, order, consumation) I was already snoring like a trooper so wasnt bothered. (Couldnt tune in Babe Station anyway).
Thank goodness I brought my own in-room entertainment ie the wife. Had I been reliant on the in-room internet (remember, no Babe Station) it would have been a very slow and most unsatisfactory ending to an evening - the connection is slower than a snail. (The upside however might have meant I beat my self-gratification record of four minutes 23 seconds. But for the wrong reasons).
My club sandwich - I know you're thinking, "Surely they cant get that wrong". To be fair, they didn't. But they served the chips cold, without a smile, and with no offer of sauce. Absolutely criminal - Mrs Bags was beside herself. I had to find her some sauce later in the evening to compensate.
Oh, and what sweet hell awaited us in the Secret Garden? A handful of smokers, creating a vortex of vile fumes that (and I swear this is true) had even the hydrangeas coughing.
Have I mentioned the miserable staff? Well, in the spirit of fairness I, too, would be miserable if I had to work at this horrible, cold, old and dank place. McDonalds! Open a restaurant nearby - you'll have no problem, recruiting!
And the finale? One must wear a jacket to eat in their stuffy, middle-ages "white table cloth" (ha) restaurant. No thanks. Mrs Bags and I instead went into town for a more casual and relaxed evening poking fun at the local rednecks.
In summary - stay away by a mile. Lucky they have no competition (although I hear the Roebuck down the road is twice the fun at half the cost).
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- Also Known As:
- Ashdown Park Hotel And Country Club
- Ashdown Park Hotel & Country Club East Sussex/Wych Cross, UK