1. TAKE YOUR PARTNER WITH YOU – You shouldn’t even be thinking solo thoughts as a married man. But this is a no brainer, as you will need to divide and rule and have timeout because of the craziness of your decision to take the kids. The solo partner on deck will of course need to play zone defence 1 vs 2, which is like in the X-Files when Mulder’s father had to choose which child to give to the aliens.

  2. AIRPORT TROLLEY RACES – Once you land in Noi Bai Airport, the game is afoot, and just like the pilot, you have to be 10mins ahead of your trip at all times. Find any diversion possible, including stacking your kids on top of your suitcases, mounted on the airport trolley, and then zoom around the airport, or straight out to the taxi rank. Tourists report seeing a construction worker jack hammering the edge of the roof of a 5 story building near the Sheraton, without a harness, standing on the ledge he was trying to dismantle. Falling off a trolley is small beer compared to this, although you may choose to delegate and have the older child hold onto the smaller of your offspring.

  3. TRAVEL DAYZ - Bat smart people. One parent should take the kids to the pool whenever you are trying to pack on a travel day. Kids love mayhem, and you don’t want your hotel room packing endeavours to look like Bagdad Mayhem on the nightly news. There is no reversal to this rule, it must be obeyed.

  4. DRINK OFTEN – Anytime is a good time to drink when on holidays with the kids - lunch, 5pm, dinner, once they are in bed. Unconvinced? Imagine you have a crushing defeat playing sport, and words fail you. Alcohol won’t. It is your one true friend who will hold your hand and pat you on the head as you drift off to sleepy-bo-boz. Upon waking, reverse the effects by dashing down to the free buffet and recharge yourself with a 5 course breakfast.

  5. LOCAL CHILD CARE – If the locals don’t oblige, and mostly they do in Vietnam, just lob your kids into the waiters arms upon entering the restaurant and say “very tired very tired” then ask that they play with them, draw on them, mind them and make it clear that you will tip heavily. Hanoi’s has a chain of shopping creche’s called TINI World, which cost 5$ per child unlimited time. Julia Gillard take note – that is just the sort of child care stressed out parents are after.

  6. BREAK THE RULES – What happens on holidays stays on holidays, and not matter how badly your child has acted you should always buy them something mid-afternoon to keep them occupied as their blood sugar levels drops, the heat intensifies and the holiday drags on. Remember, whatever happens, go with bribery and corruption.

  7. POOL BOMBS – If the hotel doesn’t have a pool then forget it, click on the next one on Expedia. Parents should pool their kids morning, noon and night to get the maximum ‘out of room’ time, and so they will go to sleep at night. No pool, no pay. Get it, got it, good.

  8. LUNCH STARTS AT BREAKFAST – Don’t get paranoid and think you are being working class by stealing bread and other delights from the breakfast buffet, and stuffing them in your bag, as ‘lunch starts at breakfast’ when you are in the tropix. Australian tourists tend to call this the 'ASEAN Lunch that keeps on giving'.

  9. THE POLICE – The odd time the abrupt Vietnamese man screams at you for your children making too much noise in his establishment, and it happened to one Western family, take no prisoners and get in his face, say GOOD DAY SIR, and then go get the cops involved. Then give them a zero rating on TripAdvisor!